Saturday, December 20, 2008

Large Form Ipod Touch Coming Next Fall


Expect a large screen iPod touch device to be released in the Fall of ‘09, with a 7 or 9 inch screen. Prototypes have been seen and handled by one of our sources, and Apple is talking to OEMs in Asia now about mass production.

Apple has been experimenting internally with large form tablet devices for years, one source says, but there was concern that users wouldn’t like the device. The difference now is the iTunes app store, which has thousands of games and other applications that are perfect for a touch screen device with an accelerometer. Apple says more than 300 million applications have been downloaded since the App Store launched in July 2008.

Friday, December 19, 2008

Baking Bread Can Be So Sexy.

But not in this case. I don't want this man making my bread.

Professional Grade Can Throwing Skills

How many takes did this require, 15,000?

Sean "Puffy" Combs Ruins His Gold Shoes

It looks like somebody needs a new pair of gold shoes! Nice job, bodyguard, it seems you failed to alert Puffy to danger!

What's The Best Thing To Come Out of Kansas?

The interstate highway, of course.

I live in Colorado but I own a part time practice in Western Kansas. I must trudge there two times per month, which I've been doing for 7+ years now. When I return home there is usually a car pulled over by the "Welcome To Colorful Colorado" sign, taking pictures and jumping around happy as clams. I've never once seen anybody pull over at the "Welcome to Kansas" sign going the other direction. Western Kansas is an awful place to live and visit for so many reasons...


Look At This Magnificent Grapefruit... WTF?

Morning Delivery




Thursday, December 18, 2008

Wal-Mart Is Now Selling Puppies


Tasty Embryos With Vinegar

These tasty morsels are called Balut, and are a daily staple for some people in Southeast Asia. It's a fertilized duck or chicken egg with a nearly-developed embryo inside that is boiled and eaten in the shell. Popularly believed to be an aphrodisiac, naturally. I always open eggs with trepidation for fear that I'll actually find one of these inside. You're officially Philippino if you can casually crack and eat these without flinching.

Morning Abuse




Why Do I Blog?

Because this is my job!

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

The Most Outrageous Ponzi Scheme in America


The government is aghast at the $50 Billion Ponzi scheme former NASDAQ chairman, Bernard Madoff, has been implicated in. This is the largest Ponzi scheme in history, according to U.S. officials. The following snippet is an except from a United Liberty article.

"...Is Madoff’s scheme really the biggest of all-time? The U.S. Social Security program is far bigger and, in this writer’s opinion, meets the definition of a Ponzi scheme.

The Social Security program is a pay-as-you-go program in that current “contributions” (lawful stealing) pay for current “benefits” (paltry returns for your stolen money). There is so much about the program to disagree with, but, no matter one’s viewpoints on government welfare, one must admit that it is a Ponzi scheme. You invest in the fund with the promise of future returns, but, in fact, there is no investment made by the administrator. The only source of funds for the returns is new investment..." Read more.


Very nice.


A Speeding Ticket, And a Rant About The American Government.

I was pulled over for going 7 miles above the speed limit on an empty rural highway this morning. Naturally no warning was given and I was promptly issued a ticket by the earnest douche bag patrolman. When he drove off he flipped a u-turn through the medium, lights blazing to pluck off another "speeder". Here is the back side of the ticket:


$129 for going 7 over? Looking at the breakdown of the fees, $54 was for the actual infraction and $75 for "court cost", whatever that means; who says I'm going to court? Sounds like another government agency feels it's underfunded and is fishing for an additional revenue stream. I posed zero threat to anyone when I was "speeding" this morning. I passed some old man in a gasping old truck humming along at around 40 mph on the highway earlier, 35 mph under the speed limit. Now that guy definitely poses a threat to public safety, and to the environment judging by the coal smoke blasting out his truck's bunghole. This brings me to my current rant: why does every local, state, and national government agency need more money when they suck a combined 50% off every dollar earned?

Currently a majority of local municipalities are running a deficit. Twenty nine states are running a deficit, including California's legendary hole of $15 billion. The federal government isn't even entertaining the possibility of covering it's expenses and has simply turned the monetary printing press on overdrive, ala Argentina. Every solution the government concocts to solve any problem is to spend sickening amounts of money. The Federal Reserve has already loaned $3 trillion to shady banks and brokers; this is money that didn't even exist until they "created" it. What the hell happened to our government? I'm not sure ultimately which is worse, the government taking our legitimate money or the government simply printing new money. Right now they're doing both. Watch for additional revenue streams coming from a government entity near you!

This is the part of any good rant where the author spells out possible solutions and offers some optimism that the good folks of America can solve the huge problem spelled out. Sadly, I have no solutions and I possess no optimism. I can offer this advice: DRIVE SLOW!

Grumbly Morning Links


  • Burger King releases meat-scented body spray. - ecorazzi

  • Mightier than the bomb, a tribute to the shoe thrower.

  • Here's a riddle for you: why is the bible like a penis? - youarehated

  • The web must end it's infatuation with bacon. - seriouseats

  • Skyscrapers of New York City in 1903 - Thomas Edison's film. - holyweb

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Downhill Grocery Cart Racing

From the good people at stupidvideos.com.

O.J.'s Anniversary Is Today

On December 16, 1973, O.J. Simpson became the first player to rush for 2000 yards in a single season. Way to go, Juice! Here is a clip of that game, and also his finest Hertz commercial from the seventies. It's hard to believe what a hero he used to be.



The President Always Gets the Best Health Care!

This synopsis was written by my father, a physician with an exceptionally dry sense of humor. I've always enjoyed his letters, emails, rants and raves. This article covers the frightening and naive state of medicine in 1881, the time that President Garfield was shot by the assassin, Charles Guiteau. Enjoy!

...A fine example of medical practice at that time is the care given to President James Garfield. On July 2, 1881 he had been in office less than four months when he was shot twice by Charles Guiteau, an embittered attorney who had unsuccessfully sought a consular post. One shot only grazed him, but the other perforated his abdomen and first lumbar vertebra.

The first doctor to arrive administered brandy and spirits of ammonia. The president promptly vomited. Then D. W. Bliss, a leading Washington doctor, appeared and inserted a metal probe into the wound, turning it slowly, searching for the bullet. The probe became stuck between the shattered fragments of Garfield's eleventh rib, and was removed only with a great deal of difficulty. Bliss then inserted his finger into the wound, widening the hole in another unsuccessful probe.

Sixteen leading doctors of the age flocked to Washington to aid in his recovery. It seems each of them wanted to get their hands into him - to probe and grope his wound in an attempt to find the elusive bullet. Infection invariably set in. Internal sores developed, oozing pus and requiring periodic lancing in order to reduce their size.

There were no diagnostic devices then, but Alexander Graham Bell, inventor of the telephone, tried unsuccessfully to find the bullet with an induction-balance electrical device which he had designed.

As the president's condition weakened, it was decided to move him by train to a cottage on the New Jersey seashore in the hope that the fresh air and quiet there might aid his recovery. Though the president complained of numbness in the legs and feet, which implied the bullet was lodged near the spinal cord, most of the physicians thought it was resting in the abdomen and might have pierced his intestines. His doctors strictly limited his solid food intake.

In mid-August, the doctors insisted that Garfield be fed rectally, and he received beef bouillon, egg yolks, milk, whiskey and drops of opium in this manner. Essentially, his physicians were starving him to death. Between July and September, he lost 80 pounds.
By the time he died on September 19, at age 49, his doctors had turned a small wound into a twenty-inch-long contaminated gash stretching from his ribs to his groin and oozing more pus each day.

Guiteau repeatedly criticized Garfield’s doctors, suggesting that they were the ones who had killed the president. “I just shot him,” he said. This defense was unsuccessful, and he was hanged on June 30, 1882.

Merry Morning Music


  • Rick Warren is quick to compare gay marriage to incest and pedophilia. - youarehated

  • Some nice modifications of the Iraq shoe-tossing footage: - boingboing

  • A poor translation very nicely sums up the consumer situation. - engrishfunny

  • Nice tramp! - seehere

  • The future of drinking: the pedal pub. - Uniquedaily

  • He that is wounded in the stones, or hath his privy member cut off, shall not enter into the congregation of the LORD. -- Deuteronomy 23:1 (watch your privates, men)

Monday, December 15, 2008

David Stoupakis

Here is another excellent artist I hope you'll enjoy. His name is David Stoupakis and his "dark" style is welcomed here at the Onanism. You can visit his website here.











Cutting Edge Products From the Japanese

Why are they always one step ahead of us?

Eggs For Breakfast


  • A Chinese delicacy: dumpling stuffed with ovary. - Engrishfunny


  • Blagojevich has such a big taint, Obama might get trapped. - Holy Taco


  • The Mailman's a big dude, so he can do some damage to some fried chicken!


  • The starters for the NBA all ugly team have been announced. - Comedy


  • Here is a cool look at the ghost towns of Antarctica. - Darkroastedblend


  • Karl Rove is calling out Bush haters... this could take awhile. - Youarehated


  • "The legislature's job is to write law. It's the executive branch's job to interpret law." -- George W. Bush

Sunday, December 14, 2008

Some Thoughts on Republicans, Rednecks, and Satan...


What group would covet and nurture fear-mongers, oppressors, homophobic, women-hating, intellectually stunted people? The Republican party! How else can a rich minority procure the requisite vote total to get elected than by scaring the Jesus out of ignorant tool-bag citizens? Today the puppet strings most effective in riling up the hillbillies and rednecks are terrorists, abortionists, queers, Muslims, and liberals. Taking the fear pulse of this country shows a peculiar absence of yesteryear's most effective topic of irrational panic: Satan! Whatever happened to the great demon, Lucifer, the yang to Jesus’ yin? Whatever happened to ritual slaughter of animals and occasional humans? Whatever happened to subliminal satanic messages brainwashing the youth? Whatever happened to a simple sale of your soul to reap fame, riches, and talent? During my adolescence in Utah the fear of Satan was so widespread among the Mormon adults that I was grudgingly forced to embrace Him just to rebel. Led Zeppelin was forbidden simply because Jimmy Page and Robert Plant allegedly sold their souls. Naturally I loved Led Zeppelin.
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I mean, look at those mysterious symbols... they must be satanic! We need the religious rednecks to resume their pointless fight against a benign and fictitious enemy. We're all better off when they battle shadows, ghosts, and delusions than when they battle real people. I propose we take the heat off those poor gays fighting the Republican right and "Moral Majority" by spreading fearful stories about a resurgence of Satanic values among the youth. Here's a most excellent article full of fear, blather, and bullshit, which most Christian pinheads will find simply terrifying. Pass it along to an idiot near you!

The Five Most Terrifying Local TV Commercials

Esquire compiled some bizarre TV commercials that defy description. They're all small market ads by mom-and-pops stores with apparently a $50 budget. Here is one example.



Wanna see more? Click here.

Good Chuch-Goin' Morsels


  • Ten of the most ill-conceived, offensive, and sometimes racist print ads ever conceived.

  • Do you know your video game console history? How about these retarded systems? - Cracked.

  • There's something not quite right about this baby.

  • SUV ice-skating in Texas. - ManiacWorld

  • The Republican party is a vibrantly diverse group of people. - Youarehated.com

  • Death by bacon! - Holytaco

  • "We may not doubt that society in heaven consists mainly of undesirable persons."-- Mark Twain

High Voltage Power Line

This interesting clip shows a high voltage worker doing maintenane on a live wire. He accesses the wire via helicopter to prevent a deadly grounding event, which would quickly reduce him to vapor.

 
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